Bye Bye, parenting fantasies. Parenting can be a challenging yet rewarding experience. Before having children, many parents have certain expectations and fantasies about what their family life will look like. However, the reality of parenthood often brings significant changes to those expectations. From lack of sleep to unexpected challenges, the day-to-day experience of parenting can be vastly different from what parents imagined before starting a family.
Understanding the changes in parents’ expectations is essential for both parents and those who work with families, such as educators, healthcare professionals, and mental health practitioners. It can help parents navigate the ups and downs of parenting and develop realistic expectations. It can also help professionals provide effective support and guidance to parents.
In this blog post, we will explore the common ‘parenting fantasies’ that tend to disappear once parents have children. We will examine why these changes occur, the impact they can have on parents’ mental health and relationships, and offer tips for adjusting to the reality of parenthood.
Thesis statement: Parenthood brings significant changes to parents’ expectations, and understanding these changes can help parents navigate the challenges of raising children.
Parenting fantasies – Sleeping In
For many parents, a peaceful morning without the sound of alarms or obligations is a precious fantasy. The idea of sleeping in until noon on a lazy Sunday morning is a dream that they hold onto through their busy workweeks. They imagine themselves snuggled up in bed, wrapped in cozy blankets, and enjoying a cup of coffee in their pajamas while scrolling through social media.
However, once kids arrive, this fantasy quickly disappears. Children have a natural wake-up time that usually falls somewhere between the hours of 5:00 and 7:00 a.m. and they have no concept of sleeping in. Whether it’s a newborn who needs to be fed every few hours or a toddler who is wide awake and ready to play, the days of sleeping in until noon are long gone.
This change can have a significant impact on parents. Lack of sleep and interrupted sleep patterns can lead to exhaustion, irritability, and even depression. Parents may find themselves feeling guilty for not being able to keep up with the demands of their children and for not being able to enjoy the luxury of sleeping in anymore.
As a result, parents may need to adjust their expectations and find new ways to enjoy their mornings with their children. This could mean waking up earlier to have some quiet time to themselves before the kids wake up or involving their children in their morning routines to create new traditions and memories.
Parenting fantasies – Going Out at Night
Another common fantasy that disappears once parents have kids is the ability to go out at night without worrying about anything. Before having kids, many parents enjoyed going out with their friends, enjoying a night out on the town, and staying up as late as they wanted. But once they have children, this fantasy quickly becomes a thing of the past.
The fantasy of going out at night involves the freedom to stay out as late as one wants without having to worry about getting home to take care of children. This could mean going out to dinner with friends, enjoying a concert or show, or simply staying out late at a bar or club.
Once parents have kids, their priorities and responsibilities shift. They no longer have the luxury of staying out late or going out whenever they want. They have to consider their children’s schedules, find a babysitter, and make sure they are home at a reasonable hour to take care of their kids’ needs. Even if they do go out, they may feel guilty about leaving their children behind or worry about what could happen while they are away.
The loss of this fantasy can be a difficult adjustment for some parents. They may feel like they are missing out on social activities and experiences that they used to enjoy. They may also feel disconnected from their friends who don’t have kids and can still go out at night. Additionally, they may feel like their identity has shifted from being a fun-loving person to being a responsible parent, and this can be a difficult transition to make.
However, it’s important to remember that this change is a natural part of the parenting journey. While parents may not be able to go out at night like they used to, they can still find ways to have fun and connect with friends. They may have to get creative and find activities that work with their new schedules, but it is possible to maintain a social life while also being a good parent.
Parenting fantasies – Uninterrupted conversations
Before becoming parents, couples often imagine having long, intimate conversations without any interruptions. They envision sitting down together, sipping on a glass of wine, and talking about their day or their future plans. However, once they have kids, this fantasy quickly disappears.
Having kids means that conversations are often cut short, paused, or completely derailed by the needs of the children. Parents are frequently interrupted by a crying baby, a toddler who needs attention, or a child who wants to share something exciting they just learned. The constant interruptions can make it difficult for parents to have a meaningful conversation and can even lead to frustration and resentment towards their children.
Furthermore, parents are often exhausted at the end of the day and may not have the energy or mental clarity to engage in deep conversations. They may find themselves nodding off mid-conversation or struggling to concentrate due to lack of sleep. As a result, conversations become shorter and less frequent, leading to a loss of intimacy and connection between partners.
The effects of this change can be significant. Couples may feel disconnected from each other, leading to feelings of loneliness and isolation. They may also feel like they are losing touch with their partner’s thoughts and emotions, leading to misunderstandings and miscommunication. To combat this, parents can try to find small moments throughout the day to connect and communicate, even if it’s just a few minutes of uninterrupted conversation during breakfast or before bed.
Parenting fantasies – Keeping the House Clean
Before having kids, many parents may have had the fantasy of a perfectly clean and organized home. The idea of having a spotless and clutter-free space may have been a source of pride and satisfaction. However, once kids enter the picture, this fantasy quickly fades away.
With children come toys, snacks, spills, and messes. Keeping a house clean and organized with kids around can feel like an impossible task. The once-tidy rooms are now filled with toys, and the once-pristine floors are now covered in crumbs. Parents may find themselves constantly cleaning up, only to have the mess reappear within minutes.
The change from a clean house to a perpetually messy one can be frustrating for many parents. It can feel like they are failing at one of their primary responsibilities as a parent – to provide a clean and safe home for their children. This feeling can lead to stress, anxiety, and even guilt.
However, it is important to remember that having a clean house is not the most important thing. What matters most is creating a happy and healthy environment for your family. While keeping a tidy home is still a desirable goal, it should not come at the expense of enjoying quality time with your children.
Parenting fantasies – Always being on time
Before having kids, many parents may have had the fantasy of always being on time. They may have envisioned themselves arriving at their destination with a few extra minutes to spare, allowing them to get settled and organized before any scheduled activity. Being on time was a way to demonstrate respect for others and show that they were responsible and reliable individuals.
However, having kids can throw a wrench into this fantasy. Getting out of the house with young children can be a challenge, especially when there are multiple children to dress, feed, and keep track of. The morning routine can quickly become chaotic, with last-minute diaper changes, forgotten items, and temper tantrums to deal with.
Even if parents manage to get out of the house on time, unexpected delays such as traffic, accidents, or construction can quickly derail their plans. Parents may feel frustrated and guilty for being late, even if the circumstances were beyond their control.
The effects of this change can be significant. Parents may feel like they are constantly running behind and struggling to keep up with their schedules. They may feel like they are letting others down by being late or not being able to commit to certain activities. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy, as parents may feel like they are failing to meet the expectations they had for themselves before having kids.
Becoming a parent means letting go of certain fantasies and expectations that were once a reality. Parents fantasize about sleeping in, going out at night, having uninterrupted conversations, keeping the house clean, and always being on time, but the reality of parenthood often changes these ideals. Having kids changes a parent’s priorities and routine, forcing them to adapt to new circumstances.
The changes in a parent’s expectations can be challenging, but they also come with positive outcomes. As parents adjust to the new reality, they develop new skills, strengths, and experiences that can benefit them and their children in the long run.
It’s essential for parents to accept that the changes in expectations are a natural part of parenthood and not to feel guilty or disappointed for not being able to achieve what they once thought was achievable. Instead, they can focus on finding new ways to enjoy their new reality and to cherish the moments they spend with their children.
In coping with these changes, parents can try to involve their children in daily tasks and activities, adjust their routines to accommodate their children’s needs, and find ways to connect with other parents who share similar experiences.
Overall, becoming a parent is a transformative experience that changes a person’s life in many ways. While it’s natural to grieve the loss of certain fantasies and expectations, it’s important to embrace the new reality and enjoy the journey of parenthood.