Teenage years share many similarities with the terrible twos. Our children are doing new and exciting things but also pushing boundaries and throwing tantrums. Both stages have the same major developmental task: children must learn to separate themselves from their parents and assert their independence. They can sometimes seem like they are the center of everything.
This can lead to complicated parenting because teens start to make decisions that have real consequences, such as driving and school, and even substance use and sex. Teens aren’t yet able to regulate their emotions and are more likely to take risks and make impulsive decisions.
It is crucial to have a trusting and healthy parent-child relationship in the teenage years. It isn’t always easy to stay close. Teenagers are often not very open when they reject parental interference. Teens are often open to their friends via social media and text messages, but they may become silent when their mom asks them how their day was. Even if the request seemed reasonable to dad, it might be viewed as a grievous outrage.
This may sound familiar. Take a deep breath, and remember that your child is in his teens. This is a normal phase and it will end. Your job as a parent is still important. These are some tips to help you navigate the new terrain.
1. Even if you don’t fully understand, start by understanding.
Here is a simple tip that will make it easier to interact with your teenager. It doesn’t matter how difficult it may be to understand your child’s point of view, so try to have understanding conversations with them.
Here’s an example. Your child is online talking with friends while she should be working on her schoolwork. You get mad.
Your teen is saying, “I need to talk with Skyler online.” All the girls will be against you if we don’t get over the fight in the hall.
Your child and you live in two realities. Ask your child honestly why she’s talking. Be open to understanding your child’s reality, even if it isn’t always clear to you. Before you tell your child what she needs, it is important to start from a place where you can understand.
2. Make sure your teenager feels safe
Teenagers worry that telling an adult would make matters worse. It is important to let her know that you are here to help and that you will not do anything she doesn’t want.
This is especially important for bullying. Explain to your girl that bullying is not acceptable. Be sensitive to their fears and assure them that it is not their fault.
Encourage confidence in her by reassuring her that you will face the problem together.
3. Pushing is not an option
It’s important to ask the right questions but you don’t want her to be pushed, nagged, or bribe to talk about what’s on your mind. You should allow her to think about what she’s saying and give her time to reflect. She will be less inclined to talk to you if she feels like she is being interrogated or battered.
4. Talk openly with your daughter
Your teenage daughter will be more comfortable talking to you if you are open with her. Children will be more open to talking with parents if they aren’t judgmental and open-minded. If parents ask their children questions in an accusatory way, they will build walls. Asking open-ended questions such as “How do you feel about your friends these days?” instead of “What happened at the party last night?” allows for more discussion.
Talking to your daughter can be as easy as sharing your own experiences. When mothers share enough about their teen years, but not too much, they can be role models. You can share with them your personal experiences, but not tell them anything that would be inappropriate.
5. Discuss body image and how she feels about it.
Research shows that clothing choices are influenced by how you feel about your body. Conversely, how you perceive your body can have an impact on how you dress. Talking to your daughter about clothing can help open up conversations about how she feels about herself, her weight, the changes in her body, and how connected she might feel to her body.
6. Teach her the basics
Your daughter will be raised by you. Make sure she is taught the basics. As she gets older, she will be more responsible and less likely to break the rules. Talk to her if she does this, and get the facts. Don’t punish her immediately. Instead, tell her what she can do to avoid making the same mistake again and how to fix it. You can have a gentle conversation with her to avoid making her afraid.
7. Pay attention with your eyes
This is something I have always believed was important. This is something I emphasize with my teenagers and I recognize its importance as a parent to a child. This was something I shared with a friend. When my children come to me to tell me something, I try to stop everything I’m doing and LOOK UP. Although I cannot guarantee that this will happen 100% of the time, I will give myself 93%. It doesn’t matter what they share, but I give my full attention to it.
8. Receptiveness is key to delivering your message.
When delivering a message, don’t be critical, sarcastic or hostile. Be careful with your tone and words. If your daughter is nitpicking at you when you ask for help with her chores at night, you might say something like “I’d love us to get along better. So could you please use a more pleasant tone of voice?” This will make her more open to hearing you and getting the message.
9. Support one another
Listen. Empathize. Avoid giving advice that is too influenced by your own values and desires. Ask her questions to help her figure out what she wants. Accept your daughter’s decisions in life, even if they are not right for you. Allow her to make mistakes and find her way through difficult situations.
10. Quality time
When you go out, make a chart of the date, the activity, the parent, and the child. This will help you stay accountable and prevents you from arguing about who is the parent. Ask questions to start deeper conversations. Keep away from things that are too interactive, such as movies and shopping. Go for walks, learn a skill (tennis or pottery), or be a girl (paint nails and fix hair).
11. Keep a journal for the mother/daughter
The mother/daughter journal’s purpose is to increase communication between you and your daughter. My daughter is very similar to me in that she feels uncomfortable sharing her feelings. Both of us prefer to write down our emotions and thoughts because it allows us to communicate them better. My daughter writes it in her night before going to bed, and she gives it to me in the morning when she comes in to say goodnight. After she has finished, I go through it and write my response. When I’m done, I put it out for her to see the next day when she wakes up.
12. Give her space
Disconnection is also necessary for connecting. Depending on the nature of your relationship, you may need to take a few days off from talking or seeing each other for a while. This can make it easier to reconnect. If you spend too much time apart, it can make it difficult to appreciate the time you have together.
Balance is the key.